大大的世界，小小的我。

给自己的话 ：

生命充满挑战。面对或者是逃避。决定在你。行动也在你。

拿了考卷，心情有点低落。

独自走在校园的走廊，心里一直在想，三个字：为什么？

走着走着，听到有人在唱歌，确定声音从哪传来后才知道原来那里有歌唱比赛。

唱着：set fire to the rain 我可以感觉到，那个人很努力的在唱，可是出来的效果却不是好的。

严重走音，而且唱到高音时还破音。听到的人都在偷偷地笑，我也是其中一个。

顿时间，我想到了，原来人生也是如此。

我就像那个在唱歌的人，很努力很努力很努力的想把歌唱好。不断重复在练习，废寝忘食的在努力，因为相信有努力一定会有成果。在唱的时候，也许自己会觉得：哦，我应该唱得不错，唱得很有信心。心里有些控制不了的期待，迫不及待想得到台上的礼物。 可是谁知道出来的声音却是让人听了很不舒服，而且还成为别人的笑话。说起来很委屈，因为我们只可以努力唱，但是出来的结果却不在我们的控制之下。

考试前我向上帝祷告说：天父啊，这次我只要有进步我就很开心了。

果然，上帝垂听了。是，的确有进步，进步了三分。

可是我一点都不开心，也许在读的你会觉得，我这人很不知足。对，我承认。

我试着安慰自己说：知足常乐啊，上帝给了你还那么不甘心？

就是嘛！那为什么心里还是存着不甘心，不满足。

脑海里一直出现着，我回答不了的问题。

为什么，我做不到？

为什么努力了，结果还是一样？

为什么别人可以做到，但我却做不到？

为什么我总是做不好？做不到？做不成？

泪水在眼眶里打转，我试着坚强。因为，曾经有人对我说，我没有资格为我的成绩流眼泪。

可是，其实我会流泪不是因为自己的成绩有多差有多烂，而是为着自己所付出太多太多的代价和努力，结果换来的却是失望，而感到委屈感到抱怨感到生气。

泪水就像是苦茶，忍着不吐出来，很难受。

所以，对不起，这次让我破例好不好？

五年前的我告诉自己说：读书是为了父母，所以你有多爱他们，你就该付出多少的努力。

从那时候起，大大小小的考试，我都不曾松懈，因为我不想让他们失望。

可是，我的能力却是有限的。上了大学，每一次要缴学费的时候，我会很怕告诉爸爸妈妈。虽然他们表面上说没关系，但我知道，对他们而言那是个负担。我，成为了他们经济上的重担。

我很想说，爸妈，对不起！如果当初我考到再好一点，也许今天这个负担就不再你们身上了。

可是人生就是如此，你可以决定你要走多远，可是你''可以''走多远，决定权还是在上帝那里。

今天的我讨厌自己，讨厌抬不起头的自己。

GOD..ARE YOU THERE?

Just a moment ago,something that displayed on my shelf for quite sometime caught my attention..it covered with dust..it is a red colour paper bag with a big love shape on it..i actually forgot what was inside the paper bag..so curiously..i opened it..and i found a book...and some letters..

oh..that was my diary when i was in mrsm..without any delay..i flipped through it..
i found back all those bittersweet of my secondary life..
hell yeah..im already finished my secondary life for two years..that is so fast!
the very first page:

Princess Evon 's blog
It is only me,myself and I..

so i found this: (in malay version)

we, Niwashiny , YiPei'and Iqbal promised to work hard and try out best to improve our academy performance,
 and willing to help each other in order to get straight A+ in SPM 2010.


*and with our signature at the bottom of the page

muahahahha...all i can do was burst into unstoppable laughter right after i saw this page..
yeah.. undeniable.,we were young and we were cute..

Then i continue to flip..exam'results....some crazy drawing....some songs lyrics.......and then i stopped.

you know what i saw?*blush

i have to bravely admit this.

few pages of text..about a guy.A guy that once touched my heart and yet he left after that.
okay skip this part..HAHA
this is a tearfully story to be told..so..forget about it...

then..i flip and flip and flip..

that was few pages of weird kind of handwriting..the words are all messy and i had a hard time when i read through it..that must be a reason why i wrote in that way..it was my left handed writing..oh..'homesickness'
well,to be frank i had severe homesickness. and even now..i do miss home like a mad.cry  like a small girl when talk to my mum on the phone.and yeah..it doesn't get any better even after i've grown up bigger and taller physically.

this paragraph caught my attention:
 another two months!I'm leaving this hell and return to my own world..a world that full of joy and laughter.Im going to shout to the world that I DID IT!five years of pain is finally over!!I'm a free bird now..wohooooOOO!!*i was expecting something fun gonna happen in my life after wards

but now?!only God knows the answer..hmm..

and last few pages was some naughty drawing and sketching of me and my friends when we were bored in the class..chatting with each other using a manual way..like this..

A: ehh..look at the teacher,he didnt zip up his pants.LOL
B: what?! go and tell him..or give him a signal or wat..
C: come on ppl..jz let it be.That is one of the way the teachers try to get student's attention..dont u knw that?
D:  woostt!! colouful strips with spongebob on it!@@
A: I bet he gonna hide his face in the toilet bowl when he realize about that...wakakaka


without i realized , i've turned to the last page..some kind of timetable..and yes that was my study planner for SPM..haha..

and so....maybe i should named it this way..