I am lucky to have you.

I was sobbing quietly at the fear that my sadness will reach the person over the phone.He is a person whom I love dearly and letting him down can never be my option.I was at my worst, and was too weak too hold my tears. I've been through countless of sleepless nights rolling on my bed trying to figure out the solutions to my problems,but sadly speaking I found none.It was so unbearable and I thought maybe I need someone to talk to, I am glad that you listened to me.

For some moments, I imagined myself standing at the middle of a railway and welcoming an approaching train that accelerating in the speed of light with my open arms.I wasn't feeling scare nor panic,I know because I saw myself smiling as if the train is going to give me a super comfy bear hug.Hug.Oh,I miss that.I miss being hug by someone else,because it reminds me that I am not alone.

I hate myself for overly thinking about something.Something really small said my friends whom I shared my problem with,but not to me.You'll agree with me if you're in my shoe,it is HUGE.

I've never been in such a depressing situation before,not until I ended my high school.When I reached the junction that forked  into thousand and million of pathways,I am startled I am lost. The feeling of paranoid overwhelmed me,suffocating me. It is so disturbing that I cry a lot but there was no tears.Guessed so that is the highest level of depression.So often that I caught myself staring into the blank space,I can no longer think.I do not know what else I should desire,I feel like I had completely lost contact with myself.I used to think that I understand myself well,but I was wrong.I am clueless about the person that reflected on my mirror,a person that has my eyes,my nose,my lips,my everything but she is a total stranger to me. I've tried so many times to escape,but the harder I try the deeper I sink.

Now,dad is over the phone.He is listening to all the craps that I am trying to say,what more can I ask right?For the very first time,we have such a deep conversations.Well the reason that I described it as 'very first time' is because in my memories dad was always a serious man,a less smiling person and I used to think that he hated me because I was always the troublemaker at home.Nonetheless,I know he loves me beyond more.

Today,he made me cry.

From a thousand miles away,he listened to me patiently and he talked to me.

"Girl,don't you ever worry about the fees and living expenses.I am here to provide. 100K?300K?bring it on!don't worry,I got your back.Just go and chase after your dreams and live a life with no regrets, others are just secondary.Dad was poor when I was at your age and I was less educated than you are,but look at me now, I am a dad and I earn enough penny to raise four kids.I admit that it was tough at the beginning but time will pass girls,hardships will be gone one day.Don't you worry about what lies ahead,because you're not the only one that is clueless about what's happening in the future.The fact is,no one knows!So,what makes you think that you are useless?By taking a course that you interested in but get humiliated by your peers?Why would care about what other people think,they ain't perfect either and who are them to judge?Dad truly believes that all roads lead to Rome,and you're on your way now.It doesn't matter to dad how much you earn in the future because money isn't a measurement to everything,all dad wishes for is that you're happy with your life.Keep in mind that life is a journey of exploring,not a race.Don't compare yourself with other people,because no one is like you and vice verse. Be yourself,and keep pressing on.Whatever obstacles that come to you,overcome it embrace it and you win being a stronger person each day. 

I tilted my head up,tried so hard to catch my tears.
All I can say is,I love you dad.


Dear problems,I will come to you again and I promise you will not stay long this time.Perhaps for that one last time.I'm gonna kill you for taken away so many laughter from me :)

Sincerely,

Princess Evon